Who we are in the night is something deeply personal. It’s the place where our soul’s true desires roam unbound, where the inner creed and the primal self take form without apology. And that is why I rarely speak about this part of me, only those closest ever hear it.

But something in me is forever vibrating, insistent, wanting to be heard. Maybe because someone out there has walked a similar path and there is a connection waiting to be had. Maybe because sharing helps call others home.

My nightside expression, my primal nature, lives through the Vampyric-Fae/Sith (pronounced shee, which refers to fairies or supernatural beings from the sìthichean or fairy mounds). It took a long, long road to reach that understanding.

Growing up, I adored vampire movies. I fell in love with the creature behind the myth — the hunger, the beauty. Like so many, I romanticized it. But for me, it wasn’t just a fascination. There was a recognition. I felt different from everyone around me.

As I got older, I understood some of the reasons:
— seeing what others could not
— I had dreams that unfolded like prophecy
— a constant sense of being guided by something unseen.

But none of that explained the wildness under my skin, the thing clawing for release. I didn’t know to call it my “primal” back then. I just knew it wanted out.

I must also mention that being raised in a strict Christian household only made it worse. Everything I felt was framed as wrong, or dangerous, or evil.

So I did what many do, I buried it in the deepest parts of my terrain.

I tried to be what I was told to be. But the primal doesn’t go away. It waits, curled up in slumber.

Eventually, as a teen, I became a runaway. There were many reasons, (a story for another time) but truthfully, my inner primal refused to stay caged in oppression and abuse. In its own way, she had always been my protector.

Life in shelters and group homes carved a harsh education into me. Survival became instinct. But that instinct sharpened my senses further, awakening both my mundane resilience and spiritual awareness. It also planted the earliest seeds of my path.

As I came of age, I found my first outlet for the hunger.

The nightlife. Let’s take a moment to talk about what I mean by “nightlife”.

And so, I would step onto the dance floor and something inside me rose to the surface. The dance floor became the altar where my primal woke. Like a ritual performed, every night I got dressed, I could feel the transformation begin the rise of something powerful, seductive, ancient. Like a vampire revealing their fangs, like a wolf responding to the full moon, I felt her, the inner beast emerge.

For years, that was enough to sustain me…..until it wasn’t.

So I went searching.

That search led me into the occult, the world of magick. Into a Wiccan coven where I practiced becoming the Priestess. I dove into metaphysical training where I became a student of numerous energy and esoteric practices. I devoted myself to understanding the subtle world, its gates, its currents, its laws.

And still… the primal within me wanted to just scream.

She was waiting, watching.

So one night when the stars aligned, during a chosen auspicious hour (because if you’re going to open a portal into your real life, you don’t do it on a random Tuesday at 3 p.m.). I wrote down my intentions in the form of an incantation, every word written with sincerity and heat. No dilution. Just raw desire. That incantation was spoken like my life depended on it.

Lo and behold, in a matter of weeks I was standing in the middle of a new world. Surrounded by nightkind, currents shifting, doors opening like it had been waiting for me the whole time. The scene of events, gatherings, and meetups.

And so it began, wandering through what I call the “Underworld of Nightkind”: vampyres, wolves, therians, fae, all forms of otherkin. Every answer I found opened ten more questions. Every discovery only heightened the senses.

After coming into this new awareness, or a.k.a “Awakening”, I wanted to understand what these aspects were, what role they played in my existence, and whether they were tied to what I had been feeling inside of me all my life. I even explored mythical beings like the succubus archetype, drawn to her story, her power, her allure. But I also felt the undeniable pull of the vampyre, the creature who had fascinated me since childhood. And underneath both was something much older: my lifelong connection to the fae, their wildness, their freedom, their refusal to be anything other than what they are.

For a very long time I tried to weave together these separate impulses.

What was I missing?

And there it was. My Ah-Ha moment — I remembered my blood ties.

My Scottish lineage. My 4-times-great maternal grandmother. The stories my mother told of the red streaks in the hair of the women in our line, including hers and mine. I remember gazing in the mirror at my red hair and feeling different, even to the point when I got old enough, I grabbed my first box of black dye, thinking maybe if I looked the part, I’d finally feel like I belonged, fit in.

That memory opened a door.

Down the rabbit hole I went, straight into the lore of the Sìth “shee.”

Learning about the Baobhan-Sìth and the Glaistig-Sìth felt like coming home. Their nature mirrored mine:
– the vampyric hunger
– the fae glamour
– the liminal wildness
– the seductive, dangerous beauty.

Suddenly everything made sense. The succubus, the vampire, the fae, these weren’t competing identities, nor were they fragmented parts pulling me in different directions. They were facets of the same archetypal current within me, expressions of one primal lineage I had been feeling my entire life.

Every hunger, every ecstatic surge, every instinct I had wrestled with… all of it snapped into place. The seduction of the succubus, the predatory elegance of the vampire, the wild, untamed glamour of the fae, they were the full spectrum of my primal nature, finally revealed.

It was amazing. It felt like coming home. Like hearing my own soul speak in a language I had always known but never understood until that moment.

So here I stand now, with clarity:

I am Vampyric Fae! She is my nightside muse, my wild pulse, my primal expression made flesh. And after a lifetime of searching, I finally know her name because she was always mine.

While there will always be more things to explore, I no longer fear the currents inside me. I know her shape. I know her hunger. I know her voice. What comes next is simply evolution, letting my primal continue to rise, shift, and teach me as she always has.

My journey isn’t finished, but it’s no longer a search for who I am.
It’s a devotion to what I’ve become.